The Loneliness of the empty heart .......

Loneliness is only too common in the human experience, existential loneliness describes the human condition:

We arrive in this world alone, we live alone, we die alone.

It is of course possible to challenge this view.

We arrive in this world alone certainly, but not necessarily lonely, we are swept up  into the waiting arms of a midwife, we are placed in the arms of our mother or father, we are clothed, swaddled, kept warm and, apart from the saddest and most exceptional circumstances, loved from the start.

We are usually, raised in the bosom of a family, except of course there are exceptions to this, but for the most part the biblical observation remains true, that in due course we leave our mother and father and become united with another, and the two become one flesh. Not always and not in every persons experience and in these increasingly complex times when gender, human sexuality and living arrangements can be defined and redefined, nevertheless human experience suggests that human beings require other human beings in order to achieve fulfilment.

At the end of life we die. Dying is a lonely business. In existential terms it is true that, even if we die surrounded by family and friends, we die alone.

At the moment of death we enter into whatever awaits us quite alone.

S/He is gone. Breath ceases The bereaved are left alone. The one who has gone, has gone alone into the final adventure that is death.

In deep waters beneath, we see them sleep.

Yet it remains the case that loneliness is increasingly the experience of modern living, the more 'connected' we become the lonelier we are.

Likes on social media. Waves on Messenger. Text messages. None of these things constitute or are a replacement for relationships.

My lunch in a cafe yesterday was a lonely affair not because the cafe was empty but because almost every other diner was on their mobile phone, either reading, watching, talking or playing including most obviously people who were dining together but quite, quite separately. 

They were together, at the same table, but they were separated, even if talking they were not talking to each other.

Isolation is not loneliness, but loneliness is an emotional response to isolation and can result in anxiety about the lack of connection with others. It is possible to experience loneliness within marriage, within families, within relationships, even when surrounded by other people.

It is also true that people who choose to live alone may not necessarily feel lonely, their social connections, friendships, their experience of work and wider circles are fulfilling such that they may enjoy their silence without necessarily feeling loneliness, or what has been described as the social pain that motivates individuals to seek connections, simply because they feel 'connected' in a satisfying way with others.

Having shared a house with a partner for forty nine years, and for the better part of those years, at least thirty, shared the household with a growing family it was rare to even consider the possibility that you were in some sense lonely, sometimes the connections between individuals in the household became strained, sometimes it was a relief to move temporarily outside the circle in order find solitude, but even then the solitude, whilst welcome, was not loneliness.

Now that I live alone I am finding that loneliness is becoming a theme that informs my life. I am still a part of a network of family and of friendships, but there is an absence where my partner's presence, once felt, is no longer.

Loneliness can be combated in a variety ways with a variety of tactics.

I find that nostalgia is a great healer, I have a screen saver on my TV on which I can play photographs that I have uploaded onto the cloud, I enjoy listening to music whilst reading and being gently reminded of happier times, family holidays, children's lives and the development of grandchildren.

I have a walking companion, a dog, a classic English mutt of 57 varieties, but together we pace out each day, her transition from family pet to therapy dog has been remarkable, if only more places were dog friendly or recognised her value as my therapeutic support, we could do more.

There are other things that can be done to combat loneliness ranging from psychological interventions to drug therapies so far in my situation I have not felt the need but they are there if needed.

Yesterday Ruby, the therapy dog, and I walked from my village to the nearest town 5.7 miles away.

Over lunch I wrote:

Walking the blues
away, one step at a time.
Today's ten thousand steps
pace out the journey
as I seek to combat grief
sneaking in as a thief
when least expected.
Sitting in the cafe alone
other diners on the phone
I sip my beer
and whisper silent cheers
to the one
who has recently gone.

Of the almost thirty likes on Facebook one described this poem as:
'a moving reflection'.