I see that my old firm, The C of E, is catching up with technology at last.
16000 portable card readers are to be installed in Churches, Cathedrals and religious sites.
I can see the offertory now, the hymn will have to be longer for a start as parishioners fish around for their debit cards, the sidesmen and women will stand awkwardly shuffling their ill at ease feet on the flagstones and then as the, largely elderly, congregation struggle to remember their pin numbers there will be lots of peeping from the machines, groaning from the congregation and discreet coughs from the celebrant who wants to get on with the main business of the day.
Still as American Express used to say, That'll do nicely.
But why stop there?
I remember a story, apocryphal? Not sure.
Published in Private Eye or Ian Hislop on Have I Got News for You? Not sure.
Richard Coles? Not sure.
But a vending machine was installed in a railway station in Italy so that pilgrims and other travellers if they had missed Mass that day could drop a coin in the machine and it would dispense the sacred host, a quick genuflection to the vending machine, a quick Hail Mary and the host was dispensed into your outstretched hands, Pax Vobiscum and off you go renewed, refreshed and ready for the trials ahead.
The tithing technology introduced by the Church of England's stewardship teams does however raise a variety of fascinating possibilities, not the least of never having to attend a church at all, ever again.
When the bell tolls, turn over in bed safe in the knowledge that whoever it tolls for, it tolls not for you.
If you have concerns laid, as evangelicals say, on your heart then relax, turn the over to technology. Internet Intercessions are the new way to communicate with the God of Facebook and Google.
Just write out your hopes, fears, prayers, confessions, press send and away they disappear into the ether where the god of the ethernet, the world wide web of divine concern and will attend to them, act on them or just file them but they won't be your concern any more, your work is done.
No need to pray five times a day, no need for Mattins and Evensong just think rise, press send and have a great day.
What about the Churches inverted pyramid? That famous hour on a Sunday morning when communion is dispensed, the cash is raised and the Vicar does his or her, one day a week of work?
Well you can always check out the website: www.DIYConsecrate@CofE.UK
Open your computer, call up the site remembering your password, dutifulanglican, place the bread and a glass of, preferably fortified, wine next to the bread, press Consecrate and google, who promises never to do harm, works it's magic, although apple and Amazon will soon have alternative programmes, so you could have a form of digital concelebration, three times as effective?
And what of those occasional worshippers?
Sometimes called three wheeler Christians, Births, Marriages and Deaths, which in 'Beyond the Fringe' were unavoidably postponed because Alan Bennet's lugubrious priest was going on his holidays.
Well now, using the official web-site, avoiding the scam sites set up by Holy Trinity, Brompton and others, Christenings, Marriages and Funerals can be offered on-line to save both time and money, although all fees have to be paid digitally before you can download the relevant certificate, otherwise you remain unchristened, unmarried and worst of all unburied.
A modern forward looking internet savvy church, what's not to like?
16000 portable card readers are to be installed in Churches, Cathedrals and religious sites.
I can see the offertory now, the hymn will have to be longer for a start as parishioners fish around for their debit cards, the sidesmen and women will stand awkwardly shuffling their ill at ease feet on the flagstones and then as the, largely elderly, congregation struggle to remember their pin numbers there will be lots of peeping from the machines, groaning from the congregation and discreet coughs from the celebrant who wants to get on with the main business of the day.
Still as American Express used to say, That'll do nicely.
But why stop there?
I remember a story, apocryphal? Not sure.
Published in Private Eye or Ian Hislop on Have I Got News for You? Not sure.
Richard Coles? Not sure.
But a vending machine was installed in a railway station in Italy so that pilgrims and other travellers if they had missed Mass that day could drop a coin in the machine and it would dispense the sacred host, a quick genuflection to the vending machine, a quick Hail Mary and the host was dispensed into your outstretched hands, Pax Vobiscum and off you go renewed, refreshed and ready for the trials ahead.
The tithing technology introduced by the Church of England's stewardship teams does however raise a variety of fascinating possibilities, not the least of never having to attend a church at all, ever again.
When the bell tolls, turn over in bed safe in the knowledge that whoever it tolls for, it tolls not for you.
If you have concerns laid, as evangelicals say, on your heart then relax, turn the over to technology. Internet Intercessions are the new way to communicate with the God of Facebook and Google.
Just write out your hopes, fears, prayers, confessions, press send and away they disappear into the ether where the god of the ethernet, the world wide web of divine concern and will attend to them, act on them or just file them but they won't be your concern any more, your work is done.
No need to pray five times a day, no need for Mattins and Evensong just think rise, press send and have a great day.
What about the Churches inverted pyramid? That famous hour on a Sunday morning when communion is dispensed, the cash is raised and the Vicar does his or her, one day a week of work?
Well you can always check out the website: www.DIYConsecrate@CofE.UK
Open your computer, call up the site remembering your password, dutifulanglican, place the bread and a glass of, preferably fortified, wine next to the bread, press Consecrate and google, who promises never to do harm, works it's magic, although apple and Amazon will soon have alternative programmes, so you could have a form of digital concelebration, three times as effective?
And what of those occasional worshippers?
Sometimes called three wheeler Christians, Births, Marriages and Deaths, which in 'Beyond the Fringe' were unavoidably postponed because Alan Bennet's lugubrious priest was going on his holidays.
Well now, using the official web-site, avoiding the scam sites set up by Holy Trinity, Brompton and others, Christenings, Marriages and Funerals can be offered on-line to save both time and money, although all fees have to be paid digitally before you can download the relevant certificate, otherwise you remain unchristened, unmarried and worst of all unburied.
A modern forward looking internet savvy church, what's not to like?
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